1 00:00:11,280 --> 00:00:15,820 This is mighty, this is the strongest, mighty for men. 2 00:00:16,040 --> 00:00:19,460 The one that gives non -stop 24 hours of aid protection. 3 00:00:20,000 --> 00:00:21,920 Mighty, the deodorant for men. 4 00:00:22,180 --> 00:00:25,220 It's mighty strong, it's right for men. 5 00:00:25,560 --> 00:00:27,120 For mighty men. 6 00:00:32,040 --> 00:00:33,040 Mark, 7 00:00:33,740 --> 00:00:35,960 I can't get my arm down. 8 00:00:36,720 --> 00:00:39,500 Mark, I can't go home like this. 9 00:00:39,960 --> 00:00:40,960 Mark! 10 00:00:42,460 --> 00:00:47,940 Yes, it's the Benny Hill Show with a host of all -time favorites, Milligan 11 00:00:47,940 --> 00:00:52,080 Luther. Well, it is one of those songs that you hear now and then. 12 00:00:52,300 --> 00:00:55,420 You don't know just where and you don't know just when. 13 00:00:55,720 --> 00:00:58,740 It's one of those songs that is over and then. 14 00:00:59,220 --> 00:01:03,520 One of those songs that is over and then. One of those songs. 15 00:01:15,630 --> 00:01:16,730 A naval duo. 16 00:01:18,530 --> 00:01:19,910 A naval 17 00:01:19,910 --> 00:01:30,030 duo. 18 00:03:04,680 --> 00:03:08,460 to El Paso one morning about half past ten. 19 00:03:09,200 --> 00:03:14,120 Had me a beer and some pork and some beans and then I blew out again. 20 00:03:14,580 --> 00:03:17,260 I saw her, she was stood in the doorway. 21 00:03:17,620 --> 00:03:20,240 She was one of the real high -class sort. 22 00:03:20,480 --> 00:03:25,160 And the perfume she wore was called Toujours L 'Amour and it cost damn near 23 00:03:25,160 --> 00:03:26,160 cents a quart. 24 00:03:26,540 --> 00:03:32,060 For this was the Rose of El Paso with the red rambling rose in her hair. 25 00:03:33,160 --> 00:03:37,960 But as I drew closer, I saw with surprise that the red rose was growing 26 00:03:38,540 --> 00:03:43,600 She told me that she lived with her parents and her pet crocodile feeder and 27 00:03:43,600 --> 00:03:48,760 Mike. I said, where the heck do your crocodiles sleep? And she said, anywhere 28 00:03:48,760 --> 00:03:49,760 that they like. 29 00:03:50,260 --> 00:03:55,560 One day she ran in from the forest where her face had been scarred by a bear. 30 00:03:55,840 --> 00:03:59,000 So the surgeon, he grafted on some of my skin. 31 00:03:59,390 --> 00:04:01,270 From a place where I've plenty to spare. 32 00:04:01,570 --> 00:04:04,350 Now when she thanks me for saving her beauty. 33 00:04:04,730 --> 00:04:07,110 I'll say there is no need to speak. 34 00:04:07,490 --> 00:04:12,570 Cause I'm amply rewarded each time that I see. Your mother kiss you on the 35 00:04:12,570 --> 00:04:17,089 cheek. I won't marry the rose of El Paso. 36 00:04:17,890 --> 00:04:20,170 For my family motto forbid. 37 00:04:21,010 --> 00:04:23,950 It's okay I'm sure with my ma and my pa. 38 00:04:24,310 --> 00:04:26,310 But it would upset my wife and forgive. 39 00:04:38,530 --> 00:04:42,610 It's the actual blowpipe that the abos, or rather, I should call them abo, isn't 40 00:04:42,610 --> 00:04:47,930 it, use when they're out killing the kangaroos. They actually use that 41 00:04:48,190 --> 00:04:51,210 Well, they don't anymore. They're here to go. But now they pursue much more 42 00:04:51,210 --> 00:04:56,310 peaceful pastimes, and they make these absolutely splendid didgeridoos. And if 43 00:04:56,310 --> 00:04:58,970 you've never heard of didgeridoo, it's really right out of this world. It's got 44 00:04:58,970 --> 00:05:01,870 a sound, all of its sound. I'll give you a rough idea of what it sounds like. It 45 00:05:01,870 --> 00:05:02,870 sounds like this. 46 00:05:10,890 --> 00:05:14,010 I'm sorry, but I say, Mark, that dart's poisonous. 47 00:05:14,470 --> 00:05:17,970 Oh, Lord, who's going to suck the poison out? Me! Me! 48 00:05:18,210 --> 00:05:19,350 Me! Me! 49 00:05:19,710 --> 00:05:20,710 Me! Me! 50 00:05:21,790 --> 00:05:23,790 Lolly, Lolly, you won't believe it. 51 00:05:24,090 --> 00:05:27,030 Miriam and I have got a son, a little boy. 52 00:05:27,430 --> 00:05:31,330 Would you believe it? After six daughters, a son, a little boy. 53 00:05:32,010 --> 00:05:34,130 Does he look like you or Miriam? 54 00:05:34,410 --> 00:05:36,390 I don't know. We haven't looked at his face yet. 55 00:05:39,070 --> 00:05:41,930 One of the most beautiful things, one of the most beautiful sights that you find 56 00:05:41,930 --> 00:05:46,530 anywhere in the world is the sunset out in the outback. It really is one of the 57 00:05:46,530 --> 00:05:53,470 most beautiful... Now, with the aid of the younger generation, 58 00:05:54,330 --> 00:05:57,650 I'd like to give you a rough idea of what it looks like. It really is 59 00:05:57,650 --> 00:06:02,250 beautiful because up here you have that great big yellow ball there, that great 60 00:06:02,250 --> 00:06:05,850 ball of fire up there. It's blazing away throughout the... 61 00:06:06,110 --> 00:06:10,910 Throughout the day, it's blazing away, and that, of course, is the sun, and it 62 00:06:10,910 --> 00:06:14,510 casts a big black shadow, this great deep black shadow all around. 63 00:06:18,290 --> 00:06:24,830 I'm speaking to you from Thames Television, 64 00:06:25,070 --> 00:06:29,310 where I'm hoping to talk to one of the hard -working producers responsible for 65 00:06:29,310 --> 00:06:30,530 their enormous output. 66 00:06:39,340 --> 00:06:40,340 Good evening, sir. 67 00:06:40,440 --> 00:06:42,520 Thank you, Miss Goossens. That will be all. 68 00:06:43,880 --> 00:06:45,520 Good evening, sir. Good evening, viewers. 69 00:06:46,320 --> 00:06:53,320 I, um... I have with me now Mr. Frederick Forsythe Scuttle. D .B .T 70 00:06:53,320 --> 00:06:56,560 .C. D .B .T .C. Don't bend the card. 71 00:06:58,840 --> 00:07:03,220 Mr. Scuttle, what new programs have you got to tickle the viewers' fancies in 72 00:07:03,220 --> 00:07:04,220 the coming year? 73 00:07:04,440 --> 00:07:08,220 I don't think we're going to tickle their fancies so much as chill their 74 00:07:08,540 --> 00:07:15,500 With? with a brand new series of horror plays, starting with Tales of Misery and 75 00:07:15,500 --> 00:07:22,120 Imagination by Edgar Allan Flowerpots, followed very swiftly by The 76 00:07:22,120 --> 00:07:26,400 Monster from Beneath the BBC, played by Robin Day. 77 00:07:28,140 --> 00:07:29,440 He will wear a mask. 78 00:07:29,660 --> 00:07:31,540 Oh, yes, we don't upset the kids, do we, sir? 79 00:07:33,020 --> 00:07:39,500 And then a resumption of our very successful... Successful trilogy in four 80 00:07:39,500 --> 00:07:43,140 called Truth is Stranger Than Friction. 81 00:07:44,560 --> 00:07:48,860 You believe that? I certainly do, sir. Let me ask you something, sir. Do you 82 00:07:48,860 --> 00:07:54,400 think it is strange that in a cat's fur there are only two holes? 83 00:07:57,980 --> 00:08:00,500 Very conveniently placed where his eyes are. 84 00:08:02,120 --> 00:08:04,040 Does it not seem strange to you, sir? 85 00:08:04,510 --> 00:08:08,910 That just enough occurs each day to fill every newspaper in the world. 86 00:08:10,190 --> 00:08:11,470 You're thinking of yourself. 87 00:08:12,350 --> 00:08:16,670 When God created man, glasses hadn't been invented, but look where he put our 88 00:08:16,670 --> 00:08:17,670 ears. 89 00:08:20,850 --> 00:08:24,650 And I'll tell you, sir, there are actually words in existence, sir, 90 00:08:24,650 --> 00:08:26,350 words, which foretell the future. 91 00:08:26,630 --> 00:08:27,850 Almanacs. It's true, sir. 92 00:08:30,170 --> 00:08:35,289 You must not mock the unknown, sir. The first one's been out. Did you not see 93 00:08:35,289 --> 00:08:41,909 it, sir? What is it about? It is about a frustrated furrier from 94 00:08:41,909 --> 00:08:48,710 Felixstowe who has crossed a mink with a gorilla and produced a ready 95 00:08:48,710 --> 00:08:49,710 -made fur coat. 96 00:08:50,330 --> 00:08:51,870 But the sleeves are too long. 97 00:08:52,950 --> 00:08:54,290 That's what upsets him, sir. 98 00:08:54,590 --> 00:08:57,450 Also, his wife put Lenore in his bath. 99 00:08:58,650 --> 00:09:01,110 Not the girl Lenore. She poured some Lenore in. 100 00:09:01,900 --> 00:09:03,480 And everything came out soft and fluffy. 101 00:09:11,200 --> 00:09:15,480 Also, sir, he has an assistant called Weirdo, who's a very strange -looking 102 00:09:15,580 --> 00:09:20,560 sir. He once sent off for a mail -order haircut, and they sent him back the 103 00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:21,560 wrong head. 104 00:09:22,420 --> 00:09:26,860 That upsets him, sir. And he has what we in the trade call an oedipus complex. 105 00:09:27,440 --> 00:09:28,460 Oedipus? He hates cats. 106 00:09:30,030 --> 00:09:32,210 Where did he get it? Out of Reader's Digest. 107 00:09:33,090 --> 00:09:40,030 Now then, sir, one day he is driving up the M12 when he suddenly and 108 00:09:40,030 --> 00:09:42,110 mysteriously takes an O -turn. 109 00:09:42,430 --> 00:09:45,210 An O -turn? He starts off as a U -turn, but he changes his mind. 110 00:09:47,370 --> 00:09:51,510 And he ends up outside a taxidermist's house. Now, as he arrives there, the 111 00:09:51,510 --> 00:09:55,930 taxidermist is just stuffing a chicken into the oven. 112 00:09:57,340 --> 00:10:01,760 The door is opened by his young daughter, and when she sees this 113 00:10:01,760 --> 00:10:05,420 front of her, she lets out a startled cry, sir. So horrible, sir. And as he 114 00:10:05,420 --> 00:10:09,400 rushes past her in the doorway, sir... She feels hysterical? Never lays a 115 00:10:09,400 --> 00:10:10,400 on him, sir. 116 00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:23,100 When he gets inside, sir, he sees on his workbench an uncompleted 117 00:10:23,100 --> 00:10:24,100 Siamese cat. 118 00:10:24,330 --> 00:10:26,510 It's half finished. Completely Siamese, sir. 119 00:10:30,690 --> 00:10:34,190 Seeing this cat, sir, seems him absolutely mazurka, sir. 120 00:10:34,770 --> 00:10:36,730 Completely burlesque, he goes. 121 00:10:37,190 --> 00:10:41,550 He picks up an iron bar and he advances towards the cat. The man says, what are 122 00:10:41,550 --> 00:10:43,930 you going to do with that Siamese cat, mate? He says, I'm going to give it a 123 00:10:43,930 --> 00:10:44,930 Bangkok. 124 00:10:48,150 --> 00:10:51,690 He's enough to stop me out of it, sir. But you see, sir, this attack upon the 125 00:10:51,690 --> 00:10:56,040 cat... You see, reads him of his fear of cats, but ipso facto. 126 00:10:56,540 --> 00:10:57,760 Cum granum cilia. 127 00:11:00,180 --> 00:11:02,500 Oni suarci melli. Watch it. 128 00:11:04,320 --> 00:11:08,040 He instills into him the belief that he himself is a cat, you see, sir. 129 00:11:08,280 --> 00:11:09,880 Does this have any effect on his life? 130 00:11:10,140 --> 00:11:11,540 Of course it does, you great pillock. 131 00:11:13,680 --> 00:11:16,920 I mean, the larder's full of fish eggs and the bath's full of milk. He never 132 00:11:16,920 --> 00:11:19,580 takes a bath, sir, because he's like a cat in every way, you see. 133 00:11:19,800 --> 00:11:20,800 How does he clean himself? 134 00:11:21,040 --> 00:11:22,040 With great difficulty. 135 00:11:23,900 --> 00:11:27,380 That was the scene that got us the Oscar, you know, sir. The critics liked 136 00:11:27,500 --> 00:11:32,080 The critics went, the Exchange and Mark said, if I had not seen him with my own 137 00:11:32,080 --> 00:11:33,440 eyes, I would not have believed it. 138 00:11:36,280 --> 00:11:39,340 The West End magazine, arts and farces. 139 00:11:45,360 --> 00:11:48,300 Said it makes old Calcutta look like a blue Peter. 140 00:11:50,320 --> 00:11:53,580 The TV Times referred to it as poetry in motion. 141 00:11:54,820 --> 00:12:00,280 And the Sydney Herald said a feast for the eyes, a treat for the ears, good on 142 00:12:00,280 --> 00:12:01,280 your cobblers. 143 00:12:03,940 --> 00:12:05,520 Those are things they like to do. 144 00:12:06,020 --> 00:12:09,700 What about new talent? 145 00:12:10,030 --> 00:12:11,550 Oh, we've got a load of that, sir. 146 00:12:11,870 --> 00:12:15,350 Yes, we've got a programme full of it, which I can see it. It's marvellous, 147 00:12:15,350 --> 00:12:16,109 It's coming on now. 148 00:12:16,110 --> 00:12:17,850 Hang on. It'll be up there any second now. 149 00:12:28,970 --> 00:12:29,970 Yum! 150 00:13:11,650 --> 00:13:13,050 Achoo! 151 00:15:22,270 --> 00:15:23,270 Achoo! 152 00:15:30,750 --> 00:15:36,630 Achoo! Are you the racist? 153 00:15:38,650 --> 00:15:39,650 Did you lose? 154 00:15:41,390 --> 00:15:42,890 How much? Ten pounds? 155 00:15:44,610 --> 00:15:45,610 Hundred pounds? 156 00:15:47,490 --> 00:15:48,490 Thousand pounds? 157 00:15:49,930 --> 00:15:52,890 If I lost a thousand pounds, I think I'd cut my throat. 158 00:15:58,170 --> 00:16:04,770 Thank you. And now, ladies and gentlemen, will you welcome the 159 00:16:04,770 --> 00:16:06,010 Diana Darby! 160 00:16:13,110 --> 00:16:16,710 It's oh so nice to go to... 161 00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:20,440 To Paris, London, and Rome. 162 00:16:20,680 --> 00:16:24,280 It's oh so nice to go traveling. 163 00:16:24,520 --> 00:16:29,780 But it's so much nicer, yes, it's so much nicer to come home. 164 00:16:31,420 --> 00:16:38,180 It's very nice to just wander the camel route to 165 00:16:38,180 --> 00:16:40,500 Iraq. It's oh so nice. 166 00:16:41,450 --> 00:16:47,910 to just wonder but it's so much nicer yes it's so so nice to wonder back 167 00:17:12,419 --> 00:17:15,220 Thank you. 168 00:17:21,420 --> 00:17:22,819 Thank you. 169 00:17:48,080 --> 00:17:54,800 I'll serve you Turkish tea and give your head a 170 00:17:54,800 --> 00:17:56,600 Persian hug. 171 00:17:57,380 --> 00:17:59,960 Climb up the wall. 172 00:18:01,680 --> 00:18:04,860 Climb up the wall. 173 00:18:06,260 --> 00:18:09,420 Climb up the wall. 174 00:18:25,580 --> 00:18:26,580 La vente! 175 00:19:28,040 --> 00:19:32,740 But it's so much nicer, yes, it's so much nicer to come home. 176 00:19:34,080 --> 00:19:35,720 No more customs. 177 00:19:37,900 --> 00:19:39,620 Burn those passport. 178 00:19:41,420 --> 00:19:43,080 No more packing. 179 00:19:43,480 --> 00:19:45,600 I'll stay at home with you. 180 00:20:25,420 --> 00:20:26,580 I'm a fly. 181 00:20:26,900 --> 00:20:29,220 I'm carrying the entire world. 182 00:20:30,640 --> 00:20:36,900 But the one overriding ambition of Ernest Potts and his gang 183 00:20:36,900 --> 00:20:40,120 was to commit the perfect crime. 184 00:20:41,380 --> 00:20:47,860 They had indulged in all forms of criminal activity without success, 185 00:20:48,120 --> 00:20:49,120 I might add. 186 00:20:50,100 --> 00:20:53,940 They tried their hands at petty larceny. 187 00:21:01,290 --> 00:21:04,590 And they tried their hands at armed robbery. 188 00:21:07,670 --> 00:21:10,870 Give me the money! 189 00:21:11,570 --> 00:21:15,610 Give me the money! 190 00:21:15,970 --> 00:21:17,710 Give me the money! Give me the money! Give me the money! Give me the money! 191 00:21:17,710 --> 00:21:18,710 me the money! 192 00:21:18,850 --> 00:21:21,290 Give me the money! 193 00:21:23,770 --> 00:21:30,090 And then one day, Ernest Potts saw a film about 194 00:21:30,330 --> 00:21:31,550 Confidence tricksters. 195 00:21:32,750 --> 00:21:36,690 No, but this was the big one. 196 00:21:40,090 --> 00:21:42,610 I mean, you don't think, do you, Arnold? 197 00:21:43,270 --> 00:21:47,490 I mean, when we done that bank job and I said put something on your face, I 198 00:21:47,490 --> 00:21:48,970 meant a stocking or a mask. 199 00:21:49,330 --> 00:21:50,570 Not brute for men. 200 00:21:52,870 --> 00:21:56,590 Even if it does suit you. I mean, your own family is the same. It was your 201 00:21:56,590 --> 00:21:59,710 grandfather. Confessed to a life of crime on his deathbed. 202 00:22:00,240 --> 00:22:01,240 And then got better. 203 00:22:02,460 --> 00:22:06,120 When he was down in the factory, he was on strike for three weeks before anyone 204 00:22:06,120 --> 00:22:07,120 noticed it. 205 00:22:08,020 --> 00:22:12,060 And that dog of yours, you told me you trained it. I yelled ill and he bloody 206 00:22:12,060 --> 00:22:13,060 well bit it. 207 00:22:13,820 --> 00:22:17,540 I don't know, I'm sure. I mean, it's that you don't take care of yourself. 208 00:22:17,540 --> 00:22:20,580 you snatch the old lady's handbag, you give yourself a hernia. 209 00:22:24,120 --> 00:22:27,900 You'll end up like Porky Potmore, you will. He was just like you, abby -go 210 00:22:27,900 --> 00:22:29,440 -lucky, full of fun. 211 00:22:34,090 --> 00:22:35,090 that he was married. 212 00:22:36,610 --> 00:22:37,610 Don't think, do you? 213 00:22:38,370 --> 00:22:39,370 Hello? Bruce! 214 00:22:39,550 --> 00:22:41,550 Get your backside radio right away. 215 00:22:42,130 --> 00:22:45,990 I can't help about your fiancée, can I? She gone and got her finger stuck in a 216 00:22:45,990 --> 00:22:46,990 zipper. 217 00:22:50,590 --> 00:22:52,950 Well, I don't mean to say you've got to stay with her, does it? 218 00:22:53,590 --> 00:22:54,590 Oh, does it? 219 00:22:57,970 --> 00:22:59,830 Well, you'll have to bring her with you, won't you? 220 00:23:01,070 --> 00:23:03,510 Don't come down the... the high street, will you? Otherwise, someone will chuck 221 00:23:03,510 --> 00:23:04,630 a bucket of water over you. 222 00:23:10,050 --> 00:23:12,770 I see they're looking for a new cashier down at the bank. 223 00:23:13,050 --> 00:23:14,770 Well, they took one on only a fortnight ago. 224 00:23:15,110 --> 00:23:16,330 That's the one they're looking for. 225 00:23:17,270 --> 00:23:20,190 He's only six foot tall and ten thousand pounds short. 226 00:23:21,470 --> 00:23:22,470 No, 227 00:23:22,710 --> 00:23:24,350 you never know. Oi, oi, oi! 228 00:23:24,590 --> 00:23:25,990 What do you call this? 229 00:23:26,910 --> 00:23:27,910 That's a watch. 230 00:23:32,940 --> 00:23:35,480 I couldn't help it. There was this chap down at the supermarket. 231 00:23:35,800 --> 00:23:38,560 Lost a £5 note he did. What's that got to do with you? 232 00:23:38,900 --> 00:23:39,900 I was stood on it. 233 00:23:42,020 --> 00:23:44,240 Now, look here, lads. This is the plan. 234 00:23:44,700 --> 00:23:49,300 Right. Now, you must understand that Max Treader, the bookie, he goes to Denby 235 00:23:49,300 --> 00:23:53,040 races every weekend, don't he? Every Saturday. And he always passes the Rose 236 00:23:53,040 --> 00:23:57,080 Crown. Now, next Saturday, what we does, we sprinkle some tin tacks in the road 237 00:23:57,080 --> 00:24:02,060 here. He gets a puncture, goes straight into the Rose and Crown, where we're... 238 00:24:02,090 --> 00:24:03,790 waiting to take him. What do you think of that, eh? 239 00:24:06,690 --> 00:24:08,610 I'm glad you approve of some of my ideas. 240 00:24:10,590 --> 00:24:13,390 What's all this then? You were supposed to be here at two o 'clock. 241 00:24:13,730 --> 00:24:16,790 Sorry I'm late. Well, I'm not having you. I mean, you can't help being late, 242 00:24:16,790 --> 00:24:17,790 you? 243 00:24:18,810 --> 00:24:21,390 No, I mean, women always start to make mistakes once, aren't they? You're 244 00:24:21,410 --> 00:24:22,369 my dear. 245 00:24:22,370 --> 00:24:25,490 All right, lads, don't get excited. 246 00:24:26,030 --> 00:24:28,650 I think you've never seen a woman before, the way you carry on. 247 00:24:29,550 --> 00:24:31,830 I thought good things came in threes. 248 00:24:34,170 --> 00:24:35,930 You've been eating meat again, haven't you? 249 00:24:37,230 --> 00:24:39,410 Would you like a little drink, darling? 250 00:24:39,750 --> 00:24:41,310 All right, lads, all right. 251 00:24:41,590 --> 00:24:42,590 It's only a woman. 252 00:24:44,270 --> 00:24:45,890 Mind me when you're carrying on. 253 00:24:47,490 --> 00:24:52,610 All right, lads, all right. Well, get your minds off her and let's get our 254 00:24:52,610 --> 00:24:53,910 back on the work like I am. 255 00:24:55,030 --> 00:24:58,670 It's the healthiest time now you're here that we showed you our blueprints. 256 00:24:59,050 --> 00:25:00,590 I don't want to see no dirty photos. 257 00:25:00,830 --> 00:25:04,130 No, not dirty photos, Blueprint. It's our plans, my dear. 258 00:25:04,610 --> 00:25:08,010 You see, now, the lady at the Rose and Crown, the landlady, she'll be on her 259 00:25:08,010 --> 00:25:09,009 this coming weekend. 260 00:25:09,010 --> 00:25:12,830 So next Saturday, you see, I'll see you and I will go there and we'll take a 261 00:25:12,830 --> 00:25:13,830 normal room for the night. 262 00:25:14,130 --> 00:25:15,630 See, right with that settled, then, isn't it? 263 00:25:16,430 --> 00:25:17,430 Take a what? 264 00:25:19,330 --> 00:25:20,690 Take a double room for the night. 265 00:25:20,910 --> 00:25:22,370 I'm not spending the night with you. 266 00:25:22,630 --> 00:25:23,970 Not for a thousand pounds. 267 00:25:24,410 --> 00:25:25,730 Well, that's different. 268 00:25:26,190 --> 00:25:27,650 Hold on here. 269 00:25:28,160 --> 00:25:31,860 How do you know our chair will be a thousand pounds? It could only be a 270 00:25:31,860 --> 00:25:32,659 you know. 271 00:25:32,660 --> 00:25:34,760 I'm not spending the night with you for a quid. 272 00:25:35,160 --> 00:25:36,160 What do you think I am? 273 00:25:36,580 --> 00:25:39,600 Well, we've settled what you are. We're acting over the price now, aren't we? 274 00:25:42,380 --> 00:25:46,020 So we might not have to spend the night there. Anyway, let's get on. Now, who's 275 00:25:46,020 --> 00:25:47,900 going to play the part of the rich American? 276 00:25:48,300 --> 00:25:49,320 I can play that part. 277 00:25:49,680 --> 00:25:52,920 Oh, yes, I can do that very well. But you've got an Irish accent. 278 00:25:53,180 --> 00:25:54,200 Yes, only when I talk. 279 00:26:01,130 --> 00:26:02,230 and mad marines. 280 00:26:02,530 --> 00:26:04,770 This here ain't no chicken unit. 281 00:26:05,470 --> 00:26:06,610 John Wayne says that. 282 00:26:08,190 --> 00:26:09,830 Well, I hope he says it better than you do. 283 00:26:10,730 --> 00:26:13,670 I don't know what I'll have to do now. Don't forget, we all meet there next 284 00:26:13,670 --> 00:26:14,670 Saturday morning. 285 00:26:14,750 --> 00:26:18,450 And I'll see when we get there, do try and act like a wife. 286 00:26:18,790 --> 00:26:19,790 How do I do that? 287 00:26:19,970 --> 00:26:21,150 Carry the bloody cases. 288 00:26:26,670 --> 00:26:30,410 You are married, aren't you? We're married, my dear, yes, we're married. To 289 00:26:30,410 --> 00:26:33,740 other. I mean... Oh, yes, yes, definitely, definitely, yes. I think I'd 290 00:26:33,740 --> 00:26:34,880 see your marriage license. 291 00:26:35,180 --> 00:26:36,600 Well, it so happens that I have it here. 292 00:26:37,120 --> 00:26:38,620 I'll go and get my reading glasses. 293 00:26:38,860 --> 00:26:39,880 All right, Mrs. McTavish. 294 00:26:42,360 --> 00:26:44,560 Dear, you haven't got a marriage license. 295 00:26:44,920 --> 00:26:47,340 What did you give her? I gave her my old dog license, didn't I? 296 00:26:48,580 --> 00:26:50,400 She won't know the difference, silly old fool. 297 00:26:51,100 --> 00:26:55,560 Hey, you in there, whatever you're doing, stop it, because this isn't for 298 00:26:56,740 --> 00:26:57,740 Let me in. 299 00:26:57,920 --> 00:27:01,340 I can't let you in, my dear. It's a bit... Awkward? I'm taking a bath. 300 00:27:01,860 --> 00:27:03,240 There isn't a bath in there. 301 00:27:03,460 --> 00:27:04,660 That's what's making it awkward. 302 00:27:06,220 --> 00:27:09,480 Look, I must have given you the long license. I'm sorry about that. 303 00:27:09,700 --> 00:27:12,420 Well, I'll let you go at this time. Yeah, right you are, my dear. Now, look, 304 00:27:12,420 --> 00:27:14,000 love, sit down, sit down. Not lightly. 305 00:27:14,200 --> 00:27:15,680 There's no big bugs there. 306 00:27:16,000 --> 00:27:17,360 The cockroach is a bit of all. 307 00:27:17,680 --> 00:27:23,860 Right, what I want you to do is to take down the races, take the races 308 00:27:23,860 --> 00:27:27,620 on ear, right, and the time signals. Careful. 309 00:27:29,450 --> 00:27:31,310 And the time figures, my dear. 310 00:27:31,610 --> 00:27:37,470 And then relay them ten minutes after through the radio in the bar. 311 00:27:37,750 --> 00:27:42,350 Don't forget, you take them down here and you relay them exactly ten minutes 312 00:27:42,350 --> 00:27:43,890 later in the bar. How much later? 313 00:27:44,290 --> 00:27:46,730 I relay them ten minutes later. That's right, my dear. 314 00:27:46,990 --> 00:27:50,210 But whatever you do, let us know the winners first, won't you? 315 00:27:50,470 --> 00:27:51,470 All right. 316 00:27:54,870 --> 00:27:58,150 Lady, I think I could have spent the day fishing. Oh, we all got to make 317 00:27:58,150 --> 00:27:59,290 sacrifices, mate. 318 00:27:59,650 --> 00:28:02,470 Oh, I was supposed to go to me mother -in -law's funeral today. 319 00:28:03,990 --> 00:28:07,450 You should get your nails cut. Now, come on now. And don't forget, put your 320 00:28:07,450 --> 00:28:09,530 watches back ten minutes in all. Your watches. 321 00:28:09,750 --> 00:28:11,390 Right? Ten minutes back. 322 00:28:11,970 --> 00:28:15,190 Everything all right? Oh, everything's fine, my dear. Don't you worry a thing 323 00:28:15,190 --> 00:28:17,390 about it. Everything's lovely. Oh, and you've got nice eyes. 324 00:28:17,770 --> 00:28:18,950 Very pretty, aren't they? 325 00:28:19,390 --> 00:28:20,390 Thanks. 326 00:28:20,910 --> 00:28:22,730 Oh, go on. He loves everything, doesn't he? 327 00:28:23,410 --> 00:28:24,550 Supposing we get caught? 328 00:28:24,890 --> 00:28:28,350 Now, come on, lads. Hurry up. His car will be here any minute. 329 00:28:28,790 --> 00:28:30,110 Hey, what about the road tax? 330 00:28:30,510 --> 00:28:35,130 What road tax? The tax for the road. Don't you like the attitude for being 331 00:28:35,130 --> 00:28:36,130 on the road yet? 332 00:28:36,290 --> 00:28:37,750 Why do I have to think of everything? 333 00:28:38,070 --> 00:28:39,070 It's always me. 334 00:28:47,130 --> 00:28:49,650 Well, here's gratitude for you. 335 00:28:51,630 --> 00:28:52,770 Nothing till I found him. 336 00:28:54,350 --> 00:28:58,230 I mean, after all I've done for you, I even lent him the money to bury his 337 00:28:58,230 --> 00:28:59,230 grandmother. 338 00:29:00,290 --> 00:29:02,710 Reminds me, if I don't get it back by Friday, up she comes. 339 00:29:04,450 --> 00:29:07,050 Don't touch that on the road or I'll knock your head off your great 340 00:29:07,050 --> 00:29:09,750 -grandmother. Gee, this boots is sweaty. 341 00:29:10,010 --> 00:29:11,010 Why, what's that? 342 00:29:11,050 --> 00:29:12,170 It's happy hookah. 343 00:29:12,430 --> 00:29:14,430 It's nothing about fishing at all, isn't it? 344 00:29:16,930 --> 00:29:19,630 Whatever you do, don't... 345 00:29:19,850 --> 00:29:21,850 Don't back the winner of the first race or he gets suspicious. 346 00:29:22,090 --> 00:29:25,630 Remember, don't back the winner of the first race. Right. 347 00:29:28,370 --> 00:29:29,670 Oh, happening, sir. 348 00:29:30,450 --> 00:29:33,370 Why, how are you there, old pard? 349 00:29:34,070 --> 00:29:35,070 Well, 350 00:29:35,610 --> 00:29:38,450 get along, little doggie. 351 00:29:40,050 --> 00:29:43,750 Can you give me a lift to Denby? That I wouldn't like to stay, sir. It's only us 352 00:29:43,750 --> 00:29:44,649 lads here, sir. 353 00:29:44,650 --> 00:29:45,810 Us lads and that... 354 00:29:46,260 --> 00:29:48,700 Incredibly rich American typhoon over there. 355 00:29:50,260 --> 00:29:51,860 Have you got a telephone directory here? 356 00:29:52,080 --> 00:29:54,240 Ah, that'll be at the back, sir. But I wouldn't bother, sir. 357 00:29:54,520 --> 00:29:56,440 It's all, like, cut up into squares now. 358 00:29:57,440 --> 00:30:00,500 It's difficult to follow, you know. It's hanging up on a bit of string. 359 00:30:00,720 --> 00:30:04,780 They don't even have a baton shop down there, old coyote. 360 00:30:06,060 --> 00:30:09,900 If they hadn't took the buses off, I mean, us lot would have been up Denby 361 00:30:09,900 --> 00:30:12,960 ourselves. We'd have had a little flutter, wouldn't we? It's kind of warm 362 00:30:12,960 --> 00:30:13,960 here. 363 00:30:14,240 --> 00:30:15,240 Hop along. 364 00:30:18,060 --> 00:30:21,200 Seeing as you gentlemen are so eager for a little wager, I may be able to 365 00:30:21,200 --> 00:30:22,019 accommodate you. 366 00:30:22,020 --> 00:30:23,120 How would that be, sir? 367 00:30:24,080 --> 00:30:25,340 I happen to be a bookmaker. 368 00:30:25,740 --> 00:30:29,780 Well, I wouldn't have believed that. 369 00:30:29,980 --> 00:30:32,760 No, sir. I had you for a chitting set, sir. 370 00:30:33,760 --> 00:30:37,260 I wouldn't have said you was a bookie, sir. We'll just be in time for the first 371 00:30:37,260 --> 00:30:39,560 race, won't we, sir? No, no. No, that clock's wrong. 372 00:30:39,760 --> 00:30:41,340 No, sir. No, I think your clock's wrong, sir. 373 00:30:41,680 --> 00:30:43,420 That's the time, sir. That is the time. May I? 374 00:30:43,740 --> 00:30:44,740 Could you tell us the time, please? 375 00:30:45,100 --> 00:30:46,940 Three minutes to one, I make it. Hold on. 376 00:30:47,940 --> 00:30:51,780 And with the time at three minutes to one... Well, I must be slow. Yes, you 377 00:30:51,780 --> 00:30:52,639 be slow. 378 00:30:52,640 --> 00:30:53,640 Right, there we are, gentlemen. 379 00:30:54,140 --> 00:30:55,140 Oh, now then. 380 00:30:55,380 --> 00:30:56,420 That's a funny thing. 381 00:30:57,040 --> 00:31:00,520 I had a grapefruit cocktail last night. Yes, I did. 382 00:31:01,560 --> 00:31:04,400 And guess what I had for my breakfast this morning? 383 00:31:05,000 --> 00:31:06,000 Grapefruit. 384 00:31:06,240 --> 00:31:09,740 So I reckon I'll have a pound of weed on Flubrush. 385 00:31:13,130 --> 00:31:15,850 The organs of his mind are very, very complex. 386 00:31:16,070 --> 00:31:17,070 Very complex. 387 00:31:17,490 --> 00:31:21,830 I think I will have a pound on Flubrush as well, I think. And me, and me. I 388 00:31:21,830 --> 00:31:25,770 think I'll have five pounds on Little Mark. 389 00:31:25,970 --> 00:31:27,010 Old potty. 390 00:31:29,870 --> 00:31:30,950 And they're off. 391 00:31:31,910 --> 00:31:35,230 And it's Grubby Boy who seems to be making the running. Are you sure you're 392 00:31:35,230 --> 00:31:36,230 going to afford to lose? 393 00:31:36,270 --> 00:31:37,470 Oh, don't worry about me, sir. 394 00:31:37,790 --> 00:31:41,300 You always say, hurry to bed, hurry to rise, make some... and healthy, wealthy, 395 00:31:41,400 --> 00:31:42,880 and father of a large family. 396 00:31:45,820 --> 00:31:49,580 And the winner of the first race, his great fruit, my election. 397 00:31:49,800 --> 00:31:51,040 I was going to back that one. 398 00:31:53,900 --> 00:32:00,540 What are the chances of getting the first three in their right order? 399 00:32:01,340 --> 00:32:03,620 Well, I'll give you a thousand to one if you care to try it. 400 00:32:04,080 --> 00:32:06,240 Well, well, I think I will. 401 00:32:06,440 --> 00:32:08,000 Just for the laugh, you know. 402 00:32:08,480 --> 00:32:09,720 I'll have ten pence. 403 00:32:10,030 --> 00:32:16,770 Well, I must say, you'll be lucky. I say, you'll be lucky. 404 00:32:17,030 --> 00:32:19,550 You'll be lucky. You'll be lucky. 405 00:32:19,950 --> 00:32:23,610 You'll be lucky. You'll be lucky. You'll be lucky. 406 00:32:25,310 --> 00:32:26,650 You'll be lucky. 407 00:32:27,230 --> 00:32:28,530 You'll be lucky. 408 00:32:28,750 --> 00:32:35,730 You'll be lucky. You'll be 409 00:32:35,730 --> 00:32:38,030 lucky. Irish whiskey. 410 00:32:38,250 --> 00:32:39,930 Ah, that stops slow poison. 411 00:32:40,190 --> 00:32:41,790 Well, I'm in no hurry. 412 00:32:43,650 --> 00:32:46,850 I'm going to smoke king saves bad the whole day long. 413 00:32:47,150 --> 00:32:48,730 Ah, you'll never live to be 30. 414 00:32:49,530 --> 00:32:50,530 Ah, gee. 415 00:32:50,570 --> 00:32:54,230 I've been smoking since I was eight years old and there's nothing wrong with 416 00:32:54,230 --> 00:32:55,230 lung. 417 00:32:56,410 --> 00:32:59,310 Hey, darling, ain't you afraid of prowlers? 418 00:33:00,830 --> 00:33:03,790 Oh, Lord, the thinner onion's out for it. 419 00:33:04,950 --> 00:33:07,280 Mind your own. what it was, didn't he? 420 00:33:09,220 --> 00:33:14,920 Gotcha, now, I thought you'd get away with it, didn't you? Oh, I've been 421 00:33:14,920 --> 00:33:15,699 for this. 422 00:33:15,700 --> 00:33:18,740 Look, look, look, I put in my idea. 423 00:33:19,200 --> 00:33:23,120 Look, we'll give all the money back and we'll never steal another thing again. 424 00:33:23,780 --> 00:33:24,900 Carry on, sir. 425 00:33:25,240 --> 00:33:26,240 Could I buy you a drink? 426 00:33:26,460 --> 00:33:30,380 Oh, no, sir, you can't. See, that clock's ten minutes slow. 427 00:33:30,640 --> 00:33:34,940 And no, we build back. And you're drinking after hours. 428 00:33:35,600 --> 00:33:38,080 That's the only reason I came in here. 429 00:33:41,100 --> 00:33:42,100 Why, 430 00:33:48,680 --> 00:33:49,840 hiya. 431 00:33:51,920 --> 00:33:54,220 Why, hello there. It's me. 432 00:33:54,820 --> 00:33:56,540 Yeah, me. 433 00:33:57,420 --> 00:34:00,880 Oh, come on. Try me with your glasses on. 434 00:34:02,900 --> 00:34:03,900 Yeah, great. 435 00:34:17,800 --> 00:34:23,500 With me tonight, the man behind the martial arts movies, the king of the 436 00:34:23,500 --> 00:34:26,739 cult, director -producer Dre Arthur Mean. 437 00:34:26,960 --> 00:34:31,840 Who is himself good at jujitsu. 438 00:34:32,260 --> 00:34:35,460 Good at heaving a heavy body. 439 00:34:35,820 --> 00:34:38,300 Good at heaving a heavy body. 440 00:34:38,780 --> 00:34:44,239 No, not good at heaving a heavy body. Good at heaving a heavy body. 441 00:34:50,850 --> 00:34:52,469 Good evening, everybody. 442 00:34:53,750 --> 00:34:55,050 Oy vey. 443 00:34:56,389 --> 00:34:58,270 Is that a light machine here? 444 00:34:59,990 --> 00:35:03,370 I believe you're here to look for a leading lady. 445 00:35:03,590 --> 00:35:04,529 A designer. 446 00:35:04,530 --> 00:35:05,670 To look for a designer. 447 00:35:05,930 --> 00:35:06,930 No, reading lady. 448 00:35:07,430 --> 00:35:08,470 A leading lady? 449 00:35:08,730 --> 00:35:10,050 Designer. Hmm? 450 00:35:10,750 --> 00:35:11,750 Designer up. 451 00:35:13,210 --> 00:35:14,330 Up, yeah. 452 00:35:15,730 --> 00:35:20,990 For my next... feature, which will, of course, follow the same pattern as all 453 00:35:20,990 --> 00:35:24,150 other films, in that it will be based on a famous opera. 454 00:35:24,470 --> 00:35:27,090 Why do you say famous me? 455 00:35:28,530 --> 00:35:31,450 You make us sound like Millican and Nosepick. 456 00:35:34,250 --> 00:35:37,830 One of those songs that you hear now and then. 457 00:35:38,730 --> 00:35:41,830 They were singing better tonight than they sung for a long time. 458 00:35:44,030 --> 00:35:48,470 But are some of those Most leisure films I have done have done Barbara of 459 00:35:48,470 --> 00:35:50,330 Seville. Barbara of Seville? 460 00:35:50,570 --> 00:35:53,550 Yes. Have done The Fried Mouse. 461 00:35:54,070 --> 00:35:56,970 The Fried Mouse? Not to mention Marriage of Figaro. 462 00:35:57,230 --> 00:35:59,590 Marriage of Figaro. I said not to mention Marriage of Figaro. 463 00:36:05,790 --> 00:36:11,750 I believe your most recent was La Boheme. Ah, La Boheme. 464 00:36:12,490 --> 00:36:17,010 Your tiny hand is aflozen out of four old plates of meat. 465 00:36:18,690 --> 00:36:20,410 That was a Chinese joke. 466 00:36:21,430 --> 00:36:22,990 I can't hear them clapping. 467 00:36:24,590 --> 00:36:26,470 That was a Chinese joke. 468 00:36:28,170 --> 00:36:29,149 That's nice. 469 00:36:29,150 --> 00:36:34,410 I like it when they clap. They call me Mimi. 470 00:36:41,040 --> 00:36:42,100 They call me Mimi. 471 00:36:48,180 --> 00:36:49,180 You a poof? 472 00:36:54,600 --> 00:36:56,680 I say, you a poof, all right? 473 00:36:57,440 --> 00:37:02,620 I say, do you a poof of a piece of film on the upper left? 474 00:37:03,200 --> 00:37:04,200 A poof? 475 00:37:10,000 --> 00:37:12,300 give you an impression of jackass, only he beat me to it. 476 00:37:14,580 --> 00:37:18,760 Now, your next film is based on the opera... Madame Buttonfly. 477 00:37:20,040 --> 00:37:21,640 And what will you call it? 478 00:37:21,960 --> 00:37:26,480 I don't know. I have been trying to think of a name for two weeks. 479 00:37:27,000 --> 00:37:28,180 How about a fortnight? 480 00:37:40,590 --> 00:37:42,930 I'll come to tea one day. I'll open a gas jet. 481 00:37:46,290 --> 00:37:49,130 Did you have a good rapport with the cast? 482 00:37:49,670 --> 00:37:50,670 Have a what? 483 00:37:51,930 --> 00:37:53,170 Rapport. It's French. 484 00:37:53,690 --> 00:37:56,390 Why, you speak French. You can't speak bloody English. 485 00:38:03,470 --> 00:38:07,330 Tell me, how did you get on with One Hung Low? 486 00:38:07,830 --> 00:38:08,830 One... 487 00:38:15,950 --> 00:38:16,950 both of them. 488 00:38:19,230 --> 00:38:22,010 What? Ah, silly, anybody bring it? 489 00:38:22,610 --> 00:38:29,010 He, Dad, this actor, one long hole, he, 490 00:38:29,930 --> 00:38:32,470 I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I 491 00:38:32,470 --> 00:38:33,110 know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, 492 00:38:33,110 --> 00:38:33,330 don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't 493 00:38:33,330 --> 00:38:33,950 know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, 494 00:38:33,950 --> 00:38:36,690 don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't 495 00:38:36,690 --> 00:38:39,310 know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, 496 00:38:39,310 --> 00:38:45,070 don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't 497 00:38:45,070 --> 00:38:50,010 know, I don So he stabbed Roger to Roger. Then he shot wife. Then he set 498 00:38:50,010 --> 00:38:54,030 house with grandparents asleep in bed. Then he cut off head of serving girl. 499 00:38:54,390 --> 00:38:56,470 But where's the sympathetic part? 500 00:38:56,750 --> 00:38:58,910 On the way out, he pat the dog. 501 00:39:00,610 --> 00:39:02,370 That's nice, that's nice. 502 00:39:03,710 --> 00:39:07,990 Well, now we are going to see one of your most recent releases. 503 00:39:08,350 --> 00:39:09,229 Oh, robbery. 504 00:39:09,230 --> 00:39:10,450 I get a flea product. 505 00:39:10,710 --> 00:39:11,710 That's nice. 506 00:41:07,150 --> 00:41:08,150 Thank you. 507 00:44:29,230 --> 00:44:30,129 No, it's a demon. 508 00:44:30,130 --> 00:44:31,130 It's a demon. 509 00:45:26,990 --> 00:45:30,010 advertising young love for sale. 510 00:45:31,950 --> 00:45:38,550 Love expression quite unspoiled, love that's only slightly soiled. 511 00:45:38,550 --> 00:45:39,550 Love. 512 00:45:57,520 --> 00:46:02,400 Who's prepared to pay the price for a trip to paradise? 513 00:46:50,990 --> 00:46:53,910 To sample my ample supply. Giddo. 514 00:46:55,630 --> 00:46:58,290 Who's prepared to pay the price? 515 00:49:34,060 --> 00:49:37,280 Thank you. Thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. And we look forward to 516 00:49:37,280 --> 00:49:40,360 seeing you all again very, very soon. Until then, bye -bye.